Author Shannon Doyle is program manager for Partnerships and Financial Education with LSS Financial Counseling.

Do you and your partner struggle to communicate about money? Do discussions about money lead to fights about who spends more? There might be more than just dollars getting in your way.

Dr. Brad Klontz, an expert in financial psychology and applied behavioral science and the co-author/co-editor of eight books about the psychology of money, says we all have “money scripts.” These are unconscious beliefs about money set in childhood that play a large role in our behavior and choices around money. 

According to Dr. Klontz, there are four money scripts: money avoidance, money focus, money status and money vigilance. We might see parts of ourselves in each script; however, we typically gravitate more toward one based on our life experiences.

Here’s a description of each script. 

Money avoidance

Money avoiders believe that money is bad, that they don’t deserve it and/or feel guilty about what they do have. They might see wealthy people as greedy or corrupt. Money avoiders might go so far as sabotaging their own financial success through underearning, overspending, ignoring bills, not saving, giving money away and enabling others. Money avoidance is associated with occupational choice: money avoiders tend to gravitate toward helping professions like mental health providers, social service providers or other industries where wages and salaries are relatively low. 

Money focus

People whose script is money focus tend to believe that money is the key to happiness. They might think that the solution to all their problems is more money and that one can never have enough. They spend a lot of time chasing money and material things to gain the happiness they can never quite reach. The more powerful this script is for an individual, the more debt they tend to carry and the lower their net worth. They might appear quite generous, as they will give or lend money they can’t afford to lend or give away. They also might put work ahead of their family. 

Money status

Money status people see their self-worth as strongly connected to their net worth. They prioritize outward appearances of wealth at the risk of overspending. They might believe that wealth is the reward for good behavior or strong faith. Money status seekers might have grown up in lower socioeconomic backgrounds or households that prioritized the financial aspects of social standing. At the extreme, money status is associated with overspending, being financially dependent on others, excessive gambling, and hiding spending from their partner. 

Money vigilance

The money vigilant are hyper-focused on financial health. Saving for the future is very important to them, and they are not about to let their future security depend on financial windfalls — receiving large, unexpected sums of money — like winning the lottery, inheritance or winnings from gambling. They believe that hard work will lead to financial reward. No handouts for them! Money vigilant people love a bargain and are less likely to carry debt. Someone who is money vigilant will tend to be discreet about their finances but are unlikely to keep money secrets from their partner. Money vigilance can come from a place of anxiety about one’s financial future, which might drive their motivation to save. This anxiety can lead to irrational fears about running out of money in retirement, or excessive wariness that can prevent them from enjoying the benefits of all their hard work and savings. 

Understanding your scripts and working with your partner

Understanding these scripts, reflecting on how they were formed, and identifying how they differ for you and your partner can be enlightening and can help with money conflicts. Many factors can shape you and your spouse’s money personalities: financial trauma from childhood, the socioeconomic class you grew up in, your friends’ views on money, your level of anxiety, your need for security, and more. If you and your partner are curious about your money scripts, you can take a free quiz at Klontz Money Scripts Test.

Once you know each other’s scripts, take these steps to get on the same page: 

• Seek to understand where your partner is coming from. Ask questions about how they feel about money. Where did their beliefs come from? How did their childhood inform their beliefs?
• Clear, open communication about financial decisions, big and small, are paramount. What will the consequences of these decisions be? Will they create a power dynamic (i.e., one parent stays at home and one works)? How will that be handled? What assumptions (if any) are each of you making about the other?
• Remain nonjudgmental. Playing the “blame game” might feel good in the moment, but it likely won’t bring you closer together, nor will it help solve any problems. We all know that it’s not good to judge, even though we all do it. Don’t judge your judging, but recognize when you are doing it.

Getting support

If you need to explore money beliefs and other issues around communication with your partner, seek professional help from a mental health counselor or your employer’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP).

If you need help putting together a budget, developing strategies for saving or making a plan to pay down and even eliminate your debt, you and your partner can make an appointment with one of our trusted, nonjudgmental financial counselors today.

Call 888.577.2227 to set up a free, confidential appointment, or get started by creating a financial profile.